I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
