seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
