you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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