my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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