where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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