glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
