there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
