My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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