my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
