Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i would punch a child for taco bell
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
