i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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