if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
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hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
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There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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