someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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