someone threw a dead crab at me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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