fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
