I must be too annoying 4 u.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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