Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
