i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
