We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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