the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
