I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
