I wish I could punch you in the face.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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