What tipped you off? The sombrero?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize