Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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