I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I looked at my own cervix.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
