omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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