Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
