Non-Jews are for practice
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
