you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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