I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My ass is underappreciated
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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