So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
