we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
