I faked an abortion last night.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You pole danced in your parka.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Randomize
