My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
