I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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