3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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