so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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