She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
