i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
