i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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