I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
