the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
