The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
