i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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