I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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