you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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