Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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