Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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