My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
