i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
