Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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