I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I think I just sharted jello shots
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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