Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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