We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
