The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
