I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i out mim tonsoeep
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
