I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
