You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
