I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
