My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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