then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
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of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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