I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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