You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
