My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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