I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
